I'm going back to the start
by jinxed-lulu
Summary: In a dream Rachel is forced to gain some self-reflection, and it comes in the form of her harshest critic—herself. R/J


**Disclaimer:** All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

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 **A/N:** This takes place after S02xE20—"Prom Queen" and continues a bit into S02xE21—"Funeral".

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 **I'm going back to the start**

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Opening eyes heavy with sleep, Rachel looked confusedly at her alarm clock, to see the blurry glowing numbers telling the time to be 1:57AM. While blinking a few times to clear her vision, she reached over to turn on the lamp, trying to figure out what in the world could have possibly woken her at this time on a school night (she needed her sleep, _Nationals_ were coming up!).

The harshness of the light hurt her eyes, but was still better than not being able to see anything. Her examination of her surroundings stopped as quickly as they started. Because Rachel couldn't make herself quit looking at her desk. In the white chair sat… _herself_. But that wasn't exactly right—the girl didn't have bangs; she wore a polka dot sweater, black skirt, and white knee high socks; her spine was straight, chin up as to look down on those who tried to humiliate her. This was the girl she used to be.

"Wha—I—h-how?" was all she could squeak out at the uninvited visitor.

The other Rachel let out an _hmm_ sound. "This is a dream," the girl told her, using that quick and brisk tone Rachel once used so often, "one that's long, long overdue. At least _I_ think it was."

"Oh, thank God!" Rachel breathed. Very thankful not to be on her way to becoming the Crazy that Noah often accused her of. "Well then, why am I dreaming about _you_?" she demanded wanting to get down to business.

"I'm Rachel Berry," the girl said fiercely, "the _real_ Rachel Berry. The one who's going home to New York to be on Broadway and never looking back!"

"What? I'm still me. And of course I'm still going to live my life long dream!"

Her double looked at her with something akin to pity. "No, you're not," she whispered in response, shaking her head. "You've gotten lost somewhere. Lost within the realm of Finn Hudson."

"How am I lost with Finn?" she snapped back defensively.

"Just look at the many ways you've changed!" the other snapped back challengingly, "becoming somewhat softer to let in friends like Kurt and Blaine was a _great_ thing. It was never fun to be lonely and even pushing people away we still got hurt," the Rachel of yesteryear said soothingly with soft eyes, before everything about her hardened. " _But_ losing your edge, your drive, over a boy? That's is… Not. OK."

"Excuse me?!" Rachel exclaimed, voice shrill. "I have lost nothing over anyone! Let alone a man! And if you are me, then you'll also remember Finn's actions at the prom! From that I can—"

" _Oh, please_ ," her double interrupted her, face scowling and voice dripping with contempt. "That Hudson _boy_ was all about little Miss Quinn Fabray—to the point that he forgave her for Babygate and got her to cheat on a boyfriend _again_ ," she finished a dainty snort and superior look.

"It's harder for him to forgive me! I knew firsthand how he felt the first time!"

The response Rachel receives to her quick defense of Finn isn't quite what she expected from the Rachel of sophomore year; laughter. Loud bubbling giggles—a laugh that admittedly hasn't been so full of joy in a long time.

"Now that was funny!" the proud girl admits, body still shaking with repressed laughter. Then as suddenly as it came it was gone. "Yeah, because kissing Noah and wanting to have your first time with someone you trusted and really cared for you was as anything like what Quinn ever did…" Shaking her head the younger took a deep breath, "but that's beside the point. Enter one Jesse St. James, and suddenly the giant keeps popping up. Going so far as to throw a temper-tantrum in the middle of prom!" younger Rachel emphasized the point with widened eyes. "And Jesse, he came back to Lima to make amends and win you back! In doing so, this _man_ was never once prompted by jealousies to do so!"

"I—uh—well," it was very obvious that she honestly had _nothing_. Because it was glaringly true that when Jesse returned he couldn't have known anything about her relationship status—even if he kept up with Show Choir blogs, they'd not cover it unless it was someone of status in _that_ world. Also most knew that Noah was a dear friend, and before Kurt and Blaine came along, she turned to him for most things.

"You can let it go, you know?" her double's voice was the relaxed it'd been all night and the younger woman was prompted to continue at Rachel's very confused look. "I am you, there's absolutely _nothing_ that can be hidden from me. This means I know early on it mostly the lack of slushie facials that enticed you towards Finn—the chance to be somewhat popular so you'd have some friends. Then after the heartbreak of Jesse, and Finn's stupidly out from nowhere 'I love you'—you felt the guilt of everything that happened between us, Noah, Finn and even Quinn. It all had to have been _worth something_ , so you accepted Finn's request to be his girlfriend, and got lost in the role of Finn Hudson's Girlfriend; even believing you loved him."

"How can I ever…" Rachel's voice was thick with the tears rolling down her face, leaving the unknown question unasked.

The girl reached up to toy with her necklace, lips curling at the corners. "Everything happened for the best. Noah was able to play some part in Beth's life, not sit quietly ready to be haunted with the idea he's his father reborn! Your part is long forgotten. None of them seem to be holding Babygate over the others. Remember, Quinn and Finn for prom royalty!"

Rachel was unable to hold back a tiny snicker at the dig at the rhyming named duo and was shocked to find the lingering sting when them mentioned as a couple didn't come. And the swift reminder that because of her loudmouth, Noah wouldn't have reason to ever compare himself to that putz Aaron Puckerman, pleased her greatly.

"I'm still confused. Unsure of what to do." It was admitted quietly and Rachel bit her lip to fight back hysterical giggles at how she was _literally_ asking herself for advice. Maybe all these years that Noah had called her 'crazy' affectionately, he'd really been onto something. Honestly it could not be sane to demand a dream version of yourself from a year before for advice.

"You walk into McKinley with your spine straight, shoulders set, and chin up! You bring back that _I'm-Broadway-your-Lima_ attitude with those who try to bring you down. Refuse to let inferior voices steal what belongs to you!" Rachel was seriously in awe of the part of herself she had silenced for the better part of a year; the part that could cut down a Cheerio or jock with words, and never cried or gave in no matter how many slushies that rained upon her. "Then you very seriously forgo that no boys till after Nationals rule, and take back our soulmate!"

At Rachel's agreeing nod, girl she had been, the girl who'd make up the woman she was slowly becoming, disappeared with a peaceful look. Then the dream went black, gone with her.

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She woke up the next morning feeling freer than she had in a long time. It was past time to let the passive and quiet girl she'd become to play the part of Finn's Perfect Girlfriend _go_. That girl had become meek, had wanted a _nose job_ for Barbra's sake! Without it, even if the teasing hurt, how could she become a Jewish icon like her own idol Babs?

Looking in the full length mirror before leaving for school, she truly saw _Rachel Barbra Berry_ standing before her. That fierceness glinted in her eyes once again, her stance was almost arrogant looking, but that was the self-confidence and pride in her talent finally returned.

With one last smirk and a sung "There's a fire starting in my heart," Rachel flounced out of her room, unable to wait for the day to really begin.

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As Jesse began to slowly inch his mouth closer to her own, Rachel leaned in to meet him, and they shared a breath before their lips touched. The kiss was unlike any she'd had before; it was slow and tender, but so full of love and longing. And though it was beautiful—made Rachel see something infinitely better than _fireworks_ —what he'd just told her kept repeating on a loop in her head; Rachel mattered more to Jesse St. James than fame. The biggest goal to achieve for them both.

It was also the exact moment she came to know that he too, meant more to her, than any amount of fame.

When he pulled back from the kiss, he stayed close for just a moment, then gave a vulnerable smile that she shakily returned.

"Come on," Jessie's voice was a smooth as bourbon, his confidence returned. "I think the list is posted."

Grabbing his hand, she protested with a quick "Wait!" and allowed herself to babble at his very confused look. "I know that I've been a bit cautious with you since your return," he acknowledged it was a nod and soft eyes. "And last night I came to realize you honestly had _nothing_ to gain from coming here and apologizing to me, even so far as possibly facing a bitter and stinging rejection to said apology. You see, I was going to wait until after Nationals, just to be safe, but I came to realize while thinking, I really didn't want to anymore." Here she stopped to give him a classic mega-watt Rachel smile, which got his own mega-watt smile in return. "Then that kiss—perfect, amazing, wonderful kiss—let be sure of something else. You too, mean more to me than fame!"

Jesse's face was lit up with more joy than Rachel had _ever_ seen it in all the time she'd known him. His smile was blinding, blue eyes shining, the last of tension in his body was gone.

In a blink, Rachel was in Jesse's arms, him spinning her around as he laughingly told her, "I love you, Rachel Berry."

"I love you, too, Jesse," she answered sweetly, placing a soft kiss on his neck under his ear.

After the spinning subsided, they stood quietly just holding one another tightly and breathing the other in. Taking comfort from that part of themselves that had been for too long missing.

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 **[End]**


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